Sunday, October 7, 2012

Authority, in general

Twice a year The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints holds a world-wide conference.  It's so popular among us Mormons that it often trends on twitter and attracts all kinds of crazy people to hold signs outside temple square in downtown Salt Lake City.

It's during those semi-annual conferences that we receive direct instruction from the general church leadership.  We often form fond attachments to certain authorities or other.  We get used to their style of speaking, eagerly await stories about airplanes or widows, and wonder at the passionate admonitions of some.

Anyone familiar with any of the Apostles from the last few decades will find this funny.  Anyone not familiar with them, might still find this funny:


5.  Paul H. Dunn:  "I remember back in WWII that I ate a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup that was 2 feet tall.  I really didn't know if I could eat it or not, what with my recent war injury and all, but I remembered my fallen buddy's words as he died in my arms: 'Paul, if you just take one bite at a time you can tackle anything.' So I took that giant cup and, breaking it with the bat Babe Ruth gave
me, proceeded to wolf down the tiny morsels".

4.  Thomas S. Monson:  "I remember I ate my first Reese's Peanut Butter Cup when I was a tender lad of 8.  My mother came up to me, and with a loving twinkle in her eye, asked, 'Tommy, are you eating a Reese's?' And I  would invariably smile up to her, 'Yes, Yes, I am.'  "But Tommy, did you know that
Sister Jensen next door hasn't eaten a Reese's Cup in years?"  My young mind thought upon the plight of my next door neighbor as I ...."

3.  Boyd K. Packer:  "In all my years, I have always eaten my Reese's Peanut Butter Cups the same way - the way the brethren have instructed us to eat them.  There is a far greater evil in this world, though - those who believe they can eat their Cups in a way not in harmony with the brethren.  We must be true and faithful and eat our Peanut Butter Cups the exact same way the brethren do."

2.  Neal A. Maxwell:  "I intentionally initiate the delicious design of degluition of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup by nibbling a negligible nit of the culinary creamy cavalcade.  For like our Savior, it is
exclusively through small entities that the great things are fabricated. Then I ...."

1.  J. Golden Kimball:  "Hell, I'll eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup any damn
way I want to!"

I feel like maybe this should be updated for the current generation.  Take out #s 1 & 2, add Elder Uchtdorf and maybe Elder Holland or Elder Eyring.  Who's on it?


  1. Laughed out loud at J. Golden Kimball......and you are so brilliant at writing that I think that should be your next project!!