Just wanna be up front. This is probably gonna be a long one, but for me, will you stick it out to the end? Please? May not be easy, but it's not gonna be easy for me either. May be a little disjointed too, so I apologize. And you never know, you may get a cookie out of it.
I think maybe this post has been a long time coming, but two things recently have finally made me sit down and write it.
Secondly:
Voices of Hope. I plan to participate. I want to be part of something good. I want to spread love and understanding. I want others in my situation - or a situation similar to mine - to know that it's okay. You can be happy. You can feel loved. You can stay true to what you believe. You can.
Before going on I think it's important for anyone reading this to understand a couple of things. 1 - That I have a strong, vibrant testimony of Jesus Christ. I know He lives. I know God lives. I know they love me. For now, that's all I need to know. I don't have a lot of answers. I just know what God has revealed. And until that revelation changes - if it ever does - I'm just doing the best I can, trying to live a good life with what I know to be true. 2 - This is my story. No one else's. Everyone's experience with this is going to be different. I've found that my experiences are fairly atypical in many ways. I've been lucky to essentially never have had a negative experience in sharing this part of my life with people.
That doesn't mean, however, that I have always felt 100% included. "Gay Mormons" - for lack of a better term - occupy an interesting position. On one hand we belong to a church that for all of its efforts to be inclusive, doesn't really know what to do with us. That's not necessarily through any fault of anyone in the church, it's just that there's not a lot of revelation specific to this challenge. I'm not even saying there should be - I personally think
we have enough, but that's another post for another day. People often fear what they don't understand and at the very least people in the church are unsure and uncomfortable with this issue. On the other hand the gay community, I think, doesn't really get how we can maintain our faith. They don't really understand - in large part - how to support those of use who choose not to live a more typically "gay" lifestyle. We are equally incomprehensible to them. So, rather than being included, supported, and fully loved by these two generally wonderfully inclusive communities, we get left standing on the sidelines of both.
I can't speak to inclusion efforts from the gay community. Not super involved there. But I think the church is starting to make great strides - which is awesome for a lot of people. There's a lot of ignorance and misunderstanding especially in a community like the church where taboo subjects tend to be covered up or ignored. As I mentioned, I've never really had any negative experiences since I started talking to people and sharing this part of myself. Everyone in my life that knows has been loving, supportive, and amazing. I've never felt oppressed by the church - I think that says a lot about my parents and the church leadership when I was coming to terms with everything. My life has been filled with positivity and I consider myself extremely lucky for that. Perfect example - some students from BYU put out an "
It Gets Better" video. Which I think is an awesome step in the right direction, but I turned it off after about 2 minutes because it didn't really resonate with my own experience.
So now that we have some context, here's kind of what it all boils down to for me. Remember that scene in The Incredibles when Incrediboy/Syndrome is talking to Mr. Incredible and he says something along the lines of "You always told people to be true to themselves, but you never told them which part of themselves to be true to."? I feel like that. The gay world is always telling people to be true to themselves and they make it sound like the sexual part of yourself is the only part of yourself you can possibly be true to. I call BS on that. (That's also why I tend to steer clear of the gay community - just lots easier for me.) Before being attracted to men, before being "gay", there are so many other parts of myself that are more important to me. I am a child of God, I am a priesthood holder, I am currently the FHE co-chair in my ward, I am a son, a brother, a cousin, an uncle, a lover of Disney and brownies, an artist, an educator, a scooter-owner, a Mac user, a political moderate, a baritone, an ex-subscriber to Lego magazine, do you see where I'm coming from with this? The grass is greener where you water it. It's the story of the two wolves fighting inside of us - Good vs. Evil - the one that wins is the one you feed. (And no, I'm not saying homosexuals are evil, it's just a simplified analogy. Don't put words in my mouth...or blog...) If you choose to base your identity on your sexual attraction, that's what your life becomes about (and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that, it's just a choice one has to make). For me I choose to base my identity on other things. My attractions just become a small part of a big list. That's not to say one's attractions aren't a part of one's identity - and even an important part, it's just that in my situation I have to put them aside. Nay, I have
chosen to put them aside. Remember that whole "agency" thing?
Does that mean my life is easy? Certainly not. There are many nights when I climb into my bed and wish that I had - that I
could have - that certain someone from the Elder's Quorum in my arms as I drift off to sleep. It can be lonely. It can be heart-wrenching. It can make going to church every week hard. It can make Elder's Quorum activities involving swimming really awkward. It can make the 5th Sunday marriage talk all but unbearable. But I don't lose hope. Because there are those rare days when hope is all I have to cling to.
That also doesn't mean that my life is a dark and lonely hole filled only with despair, empty frosting cans, and reruns of Jersey Shore. Along with choosing what can be a very hard row to hoe, I also choose to be happy. I choose to move forward. I choose to fill my life with amazing people. With travel, the arts, cooking, movies, acting, churros, singing, laughing, double-chocolate bread pudding souffle, church callings, shopping, throwing rocks off the top of cliffs (I do stupid man-things sometimes too), family, projects, the ukulele. I live in one of the coolest cities in the world. I'm pursuing my dreams and God has seen fit to let me be successful at that. Life is good.
And now for the FAQ:
I've known since sometime between 7th and 8th grade. I can't give an exact day, but it was sometime in there.
My parents have known since I was about 15.
I have never been depressed or suicidal. As anyone who knows me even on a fairly limited basis will tell you, I'm a pretty happy person. Always have been.
Not sure about the marriage question. I go back and forth. There was a young lady who I was pretty much ready to take to the temple and make it eternal, but she wasn't so sure (which is totally okay ladies!). I moved to LA, she found someone else and is now married. We are still good friends and I couldn't be happier for her. If nothing else, she gave me hope that marriage and family are possible. It might just take a while. It's so rare that I'm actually that interested in a girl. I would like to get married and have a family, but if that doesn't happen, I'll be alright. I know I can have a happy, fulfilling, productive life on my own if that's what's in store (which also would mean I'll never have to worry about being a Bishop.)
I realize this is an incomplete post. Reading through it I see red flags everywhere that people are going to latch onto and say, "But what about...", "Now, you just said...", "But wait!..." Two things:
1 - That should kind of show you how complicated this can be.
2 - That's not really the point. The point is to share something about myself that is deep and meaningful. To be a little bit vulnerable and see what happens. To maybe help even just one person see that it's okay. We don't get to choose the hand we're dealt (at least not entirely, but that's neither here nor there) but we do get to choose what we do with it.
I'm Mormon because when I follow what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints teaches - love, service, faith, self-mastery etc. - I am happy. I'm attracted to men because...well, because I am. I'm happy because I choose to be. That's a place every person has to come to on their own. As hard as that is. But know that I'm here to support you in that journey as much as I can.
If you are dealing with this issue and feel lonely, isolated, depressed ("Yes, I feel all of those things. I'm alive.") know that it's going to be okay. It really is. God loves and trusts you immensely.
Feel free to contact me - comment, email, text, phone, FB, hand-written letter on personalized, scented stationery - if you need to talk to someone, or have questions, or want to know more, or want to cash in on that cookie I promised back at the beginning, or need a hug, or a friend, or a Sunday night Disney movie cuddle buddy, or sordid details, or a recommendation on
applicable conference talks or excellent brownie recipes, or need to get out some anger or frustration or want to call me all sorts of names a good Christian never should. That's all okay. Seriously, don't hesitate.
And feel free to share this with anyone who you think might need it.
There is so much more to say, but we'll leave it at that for now.
And now that that's out there and out of the way, I'm gonna throw on a comfy t-shirt and go for a walk on the beach. I saw a tiny crab last time I was there and I think that's pretty cool. Plus I may need some mental preparation for church this coming Sunday. Could prove interesting.
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